( This is long, and it's about troubleshooting an exotic driver issue. )
Of course, I'm probably going to replace the damn thing eventually anyway because the download speeds are so heinously slow. Earlier I used connection sharing via Ethernet to plug the PC into my MacBook's wireless, and it was literally like ten times faster.
Well, still, I was offended that I couldn't understand what was going on and I really wanted to win, so I guess it was worth it just for that.