Spark the Arrival of Some Fuckin' Blorbs

[roadrunnertwice]

Hey, remember Kindle ads? (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, helpful infographic.)

YEAH!!!

First, prepare to get ethered by this ether-al masterpiece:

This next one's blorb gets a little distracted halfway through.

I just remembered I posted a differently bad blorb for that one in a previous roundup! ("Enter a world where everyone wears masks and where the color you belong to determines who you are and where you will live. And if you will live.") Sometimes you'll see an author advertise repeatedly but change the blurb copy each time, experimenting to see what works best. There's a few in particular that I've been seeing for years (s2g I've seen like twenty different blorbs for that Underwood, Scotch, and Wry stinker).

Anyway, there's a few different kinds of author who do this. With some of them you can kind of watch them figure out their desired audience as they get better at blorbing, and you can be like "OK, I'm never going to read that, but I can see what you're after here and recognize the effort you're putting in."

And then there's the other kind.

Here's two books by Bella Forrest, which are, uh,

OK REAL TALK THO, if you want to talk about a gender dystopia then let's fuckin' DO it:

Heteronormativity is a god damn public health crisis. Anyway,

"Santa was a hero, and as such his tale is epic" holy shit, hooooly shit

(you're probably better off just reading Nicholas, Bishop of Myra's wikipedia page, which actually is pretty epic [he resurrected three butchered children who were being cured in salt to make ham???])

Here's something I've seen a few times: advertising a story as "clean."

I think it's some kind of Christian code-word thing?? Can any of you decipher this?

On the opposite end, here's some innuendo I can't even parse.

Finally, check out this awesome wolf kick.

THAT's the Kindle ad experience I'm looking for. *finger kiss*